Sometimes its hard to speak up for yourself and it's completely normal to experience so it happens If you spent a lot of your life around unsafe people, at some point you probably decided that it’s better to stay silent about things that matter to you. In certain situations this is adaptive, but for most it isn’t.

To help you take new steps to learn to speak up more powerfully for yourself, and advocate for your own needs, values, and wishes, below are few key steps to begin to engage in today.

#1: Examine what you learned in childhood.

If you struggle at all with speaking up, take some time this week and examine closely what you learned in childhood about how safe it was to speak up for yourself.  Ask yourself, “What do I remember about how it went when I said to my authority figures “No,” “I don’t’ agree with you,” or “Don’t do that to me.”

If you’re in touch with yourself, you’ll most likely remember some very pivotal, emotional moments. Maybe it went well, maybe it went terribly. Perhaps you got hit or were fiercely ridiculed.  Perhaps you were laughed at and told you were stupid.
Sit with it, and think about what you learned about speaking up and how you were treated when you tried to assert and defend your boundaries.

#2:  Get very clear about what you need to say, and have that conversation.

Decide on the one most important thing you need to say this month and to whom, and plan for it. Start with the one person who is violating your boundaries most or disrespecting you and it needs to stop. What do you need to say “No!” to today?

Start by committing to have the most pivotal conversation you need to have.  But before you do, realize that the process of building our boundaries and learning to speak up for ourselves can “perturb the system,” meaning others can and will get upset by this because they’re used to walking all over you. So before you do this, get very clear about what you want to say, and manage your emotions best you can. (If this is challenging, you’ll want to get some outside help to support you.)

#3: Be the highest version of yourself when you communicate.

What happens to most of us in very tough interpersonal situations is that, unfortunately, we become incredibly stressed, defensive or angry.  And when we’re flooded with emotion, our clarity and balance fly out the window.

Someone once wrote, “You can say anything when you say it with love in your heart.” There’s great truth in that. Say what needs to be said, but don’t do it from a frail, defensive ego or with harshness, but with strength and compassion.

Be the highest version of yourself (rise above any pettiness, egotism and over-sensitivity to be the best you can be) when you’re having these powerful conversations, and it will go much better for both parties.